Ok, let me give some background here into my story for today. My husband and I have a daughter, Lilly, she is such a joy to be around (that is when she isn't having a melt down!). This little girl has been through a lot since she was around 10 months old. She started having ear infection after ear infection, the antibiotics she was taking turned into two and three rounds to clear it up. Finally Feb 26th of 2008 Lilly had tubes put in, but to no avail one had healed immediately causing for the left tube blocked and unable to work correctly. So in April or May (sorry I can't remember) she had her second set of tubes placed into those tiny ears. This time it worked ... she had to relearn how to walk because she was used to doing it pretty wobbly, and with her tubes placed I am sure she felt like her world was turned lopsided. So the normal problems that come with tubes and such... balance issues, and some speech issues. I was told that would clear up pretty quickly and she would catch up with her peers within a couple months. Well here we are 7 months later and she is really far behind. At her 2 year check up the doctor recommended to have her evaluated for speech therapy, and so I said ok. We are in the midst of all these different evaluations... it seems like we have at least one to two meetings a week. Well this last one really hit me hard... the language therapist was out evaluating her this morning and it lasted about an hour and a half. The therapist is a fellow New Yorker, so we got along just fine and ended up talking about the great food that we miss... deli's, bagels, and bakery's. Well the therapist said that she is really far behind... actually all the tests combined, she is on a level of a 12-18month old. Children her age should have a vocabulary of about 150-200 words and should be able to use two and three words phrases... not my Lilly. This breaks my heart... I have been battling all day with thoughts. Have I not devoted enough time to her growing and learning? Have I focused too much on Zach (her younger brother) because he was born so soon after she was? Am I not good enough? Do I not talk enough to her? I know I don't read enough to her... where do I find the time to do that? How do I balance my home and teaching and working? I am so overwhelmed, part of me wants to give up... but I know that is just a way that satan is trying to gain a foothold in my life. I have been in scripture a lot today... reading through Romans 5 and reading through James 1. Then praying... praying that I am the mother that the Lord has created me to be, praying for strength to make it having another child that has extra needs, praying that the Lord would guide my parenting in every way possible, praying that I would have a spirit of JOY... I have felt so joyLESS lately and I don't like that feeling. My children need so much from me emotionally and I feel as if I have nothing to give them. At the moment Zach has strep throat and is NOT at all his chipper,happy, smiley self... he is crying a lot... Lilly she is whining a lot and not very verbal so I don't know what she wants or needs... and Eli, well he is Eli... high-paced, and energetic... bouncing form one thing to the next. Please, this is not a pity party, I am just trying to paint a picture for you to understand just what I am in the midst of. You don't know how many times I have apologized to Eli today, and man am I thankful for that kid. He was so quick to say "Mom, that's ok... don't worry about it!" And with Lilly, I have just been hugging her and kissing her all day... wishing I could do something to help her... wondering if I could have done something to make this learning disability go away... I am hoping and praying this delay is from the tubes and that it is nothing else. For Zach, my sweet Zach, I have tried to console him every way I can... hugging, kissing, rocking, rubbing... I can't do it anymore, he just isn't consolable. So, is it me? I don't know... what I do know is that I have a GOD that I can hold onto, that I can trust, that I can call upon, and cry to, who knows my deepest pain and all my hurts, who knows my Lilly. Please be praying with me for Lilly... I would love to see this speech delay vanish... I would love to see her fully catch up with where she is supposed to be... and if not, please pray with me that the Lord would give me an extra dose of love, patience, strength, and grace when it comes to my children and how I am parenting and reacting to situations.
5 comments:
Let me start with...I will pray for you.
I want to encourage you...there are many many children who just take longer to get where other kids are. And they do not have learning disabilities. Being that lilly is a middle child it would not surprise me if it is just simply a delay and nothing else. Pray and play with her. Trusting that God does not make mistakes and whatever the lot He has given her and you and scott and your family...it is all in His perfect plan. ALL for His glory.
Being a mother has made me realize what true self sacrifice means(Marriage too, but motherhood more at least in this season when they can give very little back). And most of the time I do not sacrifice the way I am called to. I am selfish. Christ laid down His life for me, and I am called to do the same. I struggle majorly in this area. It is very easy to say but a whole different thing to put into practice. But Oh so rewarding when I do get it right. Our children are a gift from God in so many ways and even the challenges and the heart pains that we experience are a gift. I did not know the love I know as a mother. I did not know how much my heart could hurt for another person until I became a mother...all this a GIFT. I am learning (as are you) so much in parenting that I would not have had the blessing of had I not had to face every challenge that comes with it. I will be praying that you will be encouraged and that your faith would be strengthened through all of it.
Always In His Grace ALONE,
Mari
Christy,
Hi, it's Erin, Sarah's roommate from college. I just wanted to drop you a line and say hi, how are you?
Your children are beautiful and I cannot believe that is the same Eli that I remember from college!!
Also wanted to tell you that I will be praying for you and for Lilly. I can only imagine all of the thoughts that are running through your head on what you could do to be a better mom (I know that these thoughts go through my mind too), and you are right; rely on the Lord and know that he will give you the ability to be what you need to be for Lilly. And that He chose you to be Lilly's mom - how awesome is our God!
Well, I just wanted to say HI! It is good to see you on here and see pictures of everyone. I miss your sister terribly and wished that she lived right next door to me.
Talk to you later,
Erin
Christy,
I dont know what to say to encourage you other than you are doing the right thing. Stay in the word and God will direct you through each and every day. He knows we are not perfect and that is why His grace covers us ALL -everyday. Lilly is going to get through this! God is bigger than this and we will trust Him for that. Love you! Can't wait to see you in a few weeks.
praying for you Christy!
I wish we could have connected when you were going through this. I have had testing/therapy for 2 out of my 5. It's hard I know how you feel trust me.
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